That New Partner...

One therapist who frequently writes for divorce attorneys and people who are divorcing, theorized that 75% of people who seek a divorce are having affairs with other people. In my experience, that is an astonishingly high number and does not comport with what my clients are reporting. I will admit that my clients may not be completely honest with me. I do ask whether there is "someone else." In any event, whether people are leaving marriages with such high hopes of having another partner or not, let's look at the pro's and con's of doing so.

Therapists will tell you that you should take at least 2 years of self-exploration and casual dating before you commit to another person, following a divorce. Some will advise you to take longer. Why???? Because you need at least 2 years to gain an objective impression of what went wrong in your marriage. If you don't gain that perspective, you are likely to partner with a person very similar to the spouse you have divorced. If you need validation of this theory, consider that the failure rate of subsequent marriages (meaning second or third marriages) is 67%. Of course, we have to factor in that subsequent marriages come with children from first marriages who may be less than happy that Mom or Dad is now affiliated with a new partner and will undermine the marriage.

The therapists who often work with my clients will verify, that often that love interest that you have when you leave the marriage will probably not lead to a long term relationship. Again, you need time to figure out who you are and what you need from a partner and from a relationship. Trying to figure this out while you are married to someone else does not work.

So, give yourself some time. Perhaps that person who gave you the courage to leave your marriage is the perfect partner for you in the future. Perhaps, not. Spend some time after the divorce is completed in finding yourself. Allow the new partner to find him/herself too. If after you have done some self exploration, you determine that you are right for each other, then make it a lasting relationship.